Die Once Live Twice Read online

  William looked up and seemed distracted. It was obvious that dinner was far from the table. “It will take some time to get Momma ready,” Katherine explained.

  William stood and Katherine was relieved that her father’s body was so tall and strong. Touching the back of his hand ever so gently to her cheek he kissed her forehead. “Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, then shook his head. “If it’s not one woman bossing me around, it’s another.”

  In Lillian’s room, he bowed his head over his clasped fingers. “Please, Lord,” he whispered. “Please not tonight. Don’t take her tonight.”

  William pulled over the wooden rocking chair he had made for Lillian when she was pregnant with Katherine. The creaking stirred Lillian. He bent down to kiss her ever so lightly, holding himself close enough to hear her soft breaths. Lillian smiled without opening her eyes.

  “Hello there,” she whispered in his ear.

  “Bon soir, ma chere,” he whispered back. She loved the French he spoke at night when they were alone. French was a language they used only with each other, one of the many small ties that bound them.

  “Time for supper?” she asked. “I told Katherine to get me up tonight. I’ve been sleeping too much today and need to get up and going.”

  “She is still working on it. It will be beef pie.” He laughed. “It should be another interesting effort.”

  “It is always a surprise! She is becoming quite the little cook, wouldn’t you say?”

  “She’s becoming quite the little woman,” William said, and they looked at each other for a time. “I am very proud of her.”

  Lillian began to roll over and William gently eased the turn and leaned her on pillows to give her support. They both tried to ignore the grimaces of pain on her face as she moved. “That’s getting to be a chore,” she puffed and gave him a lopsided grin. “I think I’ll start sleeping on that rocker to save us both the trouble.”

  “No trouble on my part. You’re much lighter now than when I had to do this when you were with child. How are you feeling?”

  “Actually a little better now that I’ve had a rest,” she said. “Yes, better,” she repeated as if to convince herself. Lillian could see the strain and worry in her husband’s face. “Why don’t you help me get up?” Lillian started to straighten up and suddenly stopped. Feeling a cough develop, she reached for the cloth on the bedside table. William, knowing the routine, handed it to her, and as she placed it over her mouth he reached for the porcelain water bowl on the dresser. However, the spell lasted only a moment and Lillian felt victorious.

  William took a clean wet cloth and placed it around the back of her neck. The coolness of the water acted as a tonic on her warm skin. He could see her dressing gown was soaked and there were small droplets of dried blood on the collar. He tenderly washed her, as she had taught him weeks ago. Clean and refreshed, Lillian felt stronger. How could she doubt her Lord’s favor when she was blessed with a man such as this? As her body began to fail her she had asked that he do what he could to preserve her dignity. She knew of many a wife whose husband wouldn’t come near her if she had much more than a sniffle, let alone bathe her or carry her to the water closet for what was becoming very messy personal business.

  “All right,” Lillian said. “Let me see if I can help our cook with a pie crust tonight.” Lillian always dressed for dinner. She was a lady. William lifted the gown over her shoulders and replaced it with a camisole that hung to her mid-thigh. Next, he pulled a dress over her head, which Emma had sewn so it would hang loosely. It was long enough to cover her ankles, but hemmed short so that Lillian could not trip on it. She sat again while he pulled on her stockings and shoes, then stood and took William’s arm. It was fewer than thirty paces to the kitchen, but she counted each step for confidence.

  “I’m feeling better tonight, so let’s see if we can have a nice supper,” Lillian announced on her arrival in the kitchen.

  Katherine’s apron was covered with flour matted in sticky beef fat, but her joy spread across her face. Then she frowned. “Momma, what do I do with this flour? Emma is out back right now and I don’t know what to do.” Then she burst into tears.

  “There, there,” Lillian said in a soothing tone, holding her shoulders. “I know you have been forced to do new things. My sickness has changed your life.”

  “I just don’t know how to do this! I just don’t know!”

  Lillian looked at her daughter and understood. “None of us know how. Not your father, nor me, and certainly no one expects you to know. You have by no choice of your own become a child of cancer and for that I’m truly sorry.”

  Katherine and Lillian embraced as only mother and daughter do in moments of great meaning. “Now, let’s get this meal together,” Lillian said. With surprising strength, Lillian helped Katherine prepare the meal, which they all ate with an unaccustomed sense of calm.

  “What a great beef pie,” William said to Katherine. “I’ve never had the like.”

  “Momma did it.”

  “We did it together,” Lillian said, and Katherine beamed with pride.

  They stayed up later than usual that night, enjoying the warm fire and comfort of being a family. Katherine and William went back to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Lillian lay herself down on the chaise in the den. Pain wracked her spine and her chest was burning deep inside.

  In the kitchen William said to his daughter, “I know this has been difficult for you, my girl,” he said. “Soon—”

  Katherine interrupted him. “It’s hard on all of us, Father, but what I don’t understand is, is—Mother is leaving and you don’t—no one seems interested in helping her get better.”

  “We are doing everything that can be done,” William said firmly. “Things are going to...” he paused and stammered a moment, “change here very soon. We are all going to have to work together to get through it.” William still couldn’t bring himself to say Lillian was going to die.

  “What about that doctor? Why does he never come here?”

  “Katherine, I need you to listen to me.” Katherine stared at him silently. “There’s nothing the doctor can do except to ease your mother’s pain. I’m angry too that your mother is so ill, and to be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared for her and for you. I’m scared of what our life will be like without her. Sometimes, that fear causes me to lose my patience and for that I’m sorry. But I need you to help me.”

  All Katherine’s anger burst out, and questions flew from her mouth with little control. “Why do you need my help? Why don’t you get someone to help her? Why don’t we get more help in the house? Why does she always have to keep trying to work and you just let her?”

  William sighed, and nodded. “So that’s it. You think I’m neglecting her. Katherine, dear, I think we need to clear a few things up.” William laid down the dish he was drying and tried to put his arm around Katherine’s waist, but she spun away from him, her arms folded across her chest.

  At that moment Lillian appeared in the doorway. “The two of you! I could hear you all the way in the den!” She sat down on a kitchen chair. “Katherine, don’t be angry with your father. I’m the one who insisted that we not hire any more help.”

  Katherine’s arms fell to her sides. “But why, Momma? Look at how weak you are!”

  “I knew it was going to be an extra burden on you but I thought it might help you to—well—prepare yourself for being an adult and to learn the value of the work you do.” Katherine looked slowly from her mother to her father, trying to absorb her mother’s words. “Dear, when the doctor told us what was happening, my first thoughts were, ‘I can’t believe this. It must be a mistake.’ I don’t think I had any other thought for the whole ride home. Why did I get this disease? Why did the Lord want to take me away from you? I couldn’t understand.”

  Katherine’s hands balled up in fists. “I don’t understand either.”

  “Katherine, come to me, please.” She did, and Lillian took Katherine’s hand in her
s. “I was very angry for some time, and then I realized that asking why and being angry wouldn’t help me enjoy the time I had left with you. Does that make sense to you?” Katherine nodded hesitantly. “You see, I had to make a decision on how I wanted to spend that time, and I decided to spend it the only way I had ever spent it. I wanted our time together to be as normal as possible by being able to do all the things I have always done. That allowed me to keep my fear at arm’s length. What I didn’t know was how guilty I would feel at leaving you.”

  “You? You feel guilty?”

  “Yes. I am your mother. I am supposed to lead you into becoming a woman, but I can’t. I am leaving. I am forsaking you.”

  Katherine looked up at her mother and began to realize that this thing, this cancer, was bigger than she had understood. “Mother, you are always my mother. I will live as you have taught me.”

  “Yes.” Lillian paused. “Memories are death’s only love.” Lillian felt grief creeping over her and took a deep breath to calm down. She looked at her daughter and said softly, “There is also a bit of jealousy that I’m not proud of.” Lillian’s eyes started to glisten and her voice shook. “I don’t want to be replaced, Katherine. Not by a housemaid or any other person.”

  William went to Lillian’s side. Looking straight into her eyes he said, “You cannot be replaced.”

  Lillian closed her eyes. When she opened them Katherine was staring at her and Lillian could see her trying to grasp what she was facing. Lillian spoke slowly, “I don’t want you to take out your anger on your father. You have no idea how much I count on him and how much he helps me every single day. He has to deal with all of this from a family and a man’s standpoint.”

  “Mother,” Katherine was pleading. “There’s nothing we can do? Nothing the doctor can do?”

  “Nothing, my daughter. If I could change this, believe me, I would. But the Lord has set us on this path and we must follow.” Lillian wanted nothing more than to wail in disbelief and anger at the disease causing the hurt in this room and in her body, but her nature would not allow it. She would leave this world as she lived in it.

  Katherine watched her father gently help her mother stand up. As she did, Lillian stroked William’s cheek lightly as she put her feet on the floor. Katherine now realized she had misjudged her father. With her fear and anger at bay, she gathered her strength, just as her mother always did.

  Katherine walked over and put her arms around her mother. Lillian held her tight. “I’m counting on you,” she whispered in Katherine’s ear. “You are the joy of my life.” Lillian had expended all the energy she had left and needed support. William took her by the arm and headed her towards the door.

  “Momma?” They stopped and looked back at Katherine, who said firmly, “There will be.”

  Lillian and William looked at each other, confused. “There will be what, dear?” her mother asked quietly.

  “There will be something to do. There will be a way to beat this cancer. That is what we can do. Find it.”

  In the morning, Lillian was gone.

  Chapter Three

  STOLEN KISS

  Katherine covered her mouth to muffle a grunt as Emma pulled her corset tighter. “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to breathe, Emma!”

  “It have to be tight, Miss Katherine. That’s how it show your shape. Wish I was twenty-one agin, like you!”

  “Emma, if you were, you’d have to be a spectacle like me tonight. Those men have one thought, and it isn’t originating in their brain.”

  Emma buttoned the royal purple bodice and slid the sleeves just below the tip of the shoulder. “Now, Miss Katherine, you want to look good for Mr. Edward. He already be downstairs taking a drink wid your grandfather and looking very fine in his top hat and tails.”

  “Dear Emma, I’m more concerned about looking good for you than for Edward!”

  “Step here, Miss Katherine.” Emma pulled up the matching skirt with a crinoline hoop only in the rear. The bodice was attached to it by two buttons so it looked like a seamless gown. “Dis new flat front is good for your shape, too!”

  “Is my hair still in place, Emma?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Ya’ll be the belle of the ball.”

  Katherine patted Emma on the cheek and headed for the staircase. She was not in a celebratory mood. Her grandfather, James Donovan, had insisted she attend the Summer Solstice Ball.

  “Grandfather, you are training me to be a businesswoman, not a socialite,” she had complained when he insisted she go.

  “There are those I want you to meet.” Katherine had no choice, so she sent Edward Stockton a note saying she had reconsidered going to the ball. He responded instantly requesting to be her escort. She had been seeing Edward regularly during the past year, but had no feelings for him. He was necessary for her to have a social life. She knew he desired her—and would readily marry her—but she offered him little encouragement. Katherine was in no hurry to marry, even though her friends worried that, at twenty-one years old, she was at risk of becoming a spinster. Nonetheless, Katherine knew her beauty would attract men and she needed a strong man whom she respected. She had been too busy with family, and learning the business, to be interested in marriage.

  Soon after Lillian died, William was diagnosed with tuberculosis and Doctor Agnew felt it would be safer for Katherine if she did not live with him. Bereft at being cut off from her only living parent, she left Philadelphia for Boston to attend boarding school. Her father traveled to Switzerland to a sanatorium in the mountains, but died when Katherine was sixteen. On her graduation, Katherine returned to Philadelphia for the summer and lived with her grandfather, who was as alone as she. He had favored his daughter, Lillian, above any other person in the world. He so doted on her and was such a maverick in his thinking that he wanted Lillian to play an important role in the company despite her gender. Ignoring the grousing of his senior staff, he allowed her to sit in on meetings and, behind the scenes, listened very carefully to her opinions.

  When Lillian had died, James mourned not just his daughter’s death, but the death of his family’s future in his company. After Katherine returned to Philadelphia that summer, her grandfather was surprised to realize that this young woman had Lillian’s proud demeanor and erect carriage. He queried her about her interests, whether she was interested in the opportunity to go to college. He was equally surprised and pleased that she said she was, specifically to medical school. Not just to the nursing schools that were the usual way women entered the profession, but a real medical school.

  “That might be difficult,” James Donovan growled around his cigar.

  Katherine’s instincts had developed as quickly as her mind. “When did difficulty ever stop you, Grandfather?”

  He chuckled and said he would try. But although he was connected along the entire East Coast, he could not buy her way into medical school. It was a man’s profession, he was told again and again. Finally, he sat with Katherine at the supper table and told her he could not arrange medical school. “Do you have a second choice?” he asked as he lifted his glass of Romanée-Conti.

  Katherine paused with her fork in midair and thought for a full minute.

  “I had not thought of anything else, Grandfather. It seems my whole life has been determined by disease. I want to find ways to keep others from suffering, when it’s possible, and from the kind of suffering I have experienced.” Feeling a little self-conscious about complaining, she looked down at her food and began cutting the beef on her plate.

  James put down his knife and fork. “There is a way you can do that, Katherine.”

  Katherine paused and looked up at him. “Yes?”

  “A wealthy woman, Katherine, can pay for medical research, which can find treatments that can prevent suffering. Look at what that Morton did at Harvard. He discovered ether anesthesia. That allows doctors to put people to sleep when they have to operate. It revolutionized surgery. Saved lives. That is what research can do.”
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  “What about Momma’s life?”

  “That was a tragedy. No one knows that better than me. But I’m talking about the medical discoveries of tomorrow, child. Not what is available today.”

  As Katherine was thinking about this, Pollard walked into the dining room and raised one eyebrow at Donovan, who shook his head minutely and held his palm slightly above the table. “Hold ‘em,” he grunted. Without breaking stride, Pollard nodded and continued out of the room.

  Katherine looked at her grandfather through the candles on the table. “I don’t suppose I have a lot of choice. I can be the head of the Ladies’ Auxiliary or I can take your suggestion. But Grandfather, my woman’s intuition, not to mention plain common sense, tells me that you have something in mind. You did not become head of Philadelphia’s largest shipping company by accident.” Donovan rumbled with laughter as Katherine had another bite of her steak and continued. “However, Grandfather, I must warn you that if your plan involves my marriage, I may have to refuse you.”

  “Katherine, I sincerely hope that one day you will find yourself happily married. Yes, you are beautiful. An old man likes that,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. Katherine was radiant this evening with her blue eyes sparkling in the candlelight and a red bow in her hair, which was pulled back into a bun, showing her elegant features. “However, that would be no more difficult for you than cutting through this tender filet. I could name you a half-dozen men who would be happy to have your hand in marriage. They’ve told me so. One of them is even my age. No, I am thinking of you being valedictorian of your class. I am so proud of you. You excelled even though you had no parental love or guidance. You are your mother’s daughter.”

  “I promised her I would be.” Katherine’s jaw tightened and she raised her head higher.